I am thrilled to bring you my conversation with Dr. Emily Edlynn, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in pediatric health psychology who works in private practice with children, teens, and adults. Dr. Edlynn is also the author of her first book, “Autonomy-Supportive Parenting = Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children.” I picked up a copy of Emily’s book and couldn’t put it down. I just knew I had to invite her to be a guest on the show. During our conversation, we talk all about autonomy-supportive parenting – what it means, why parents should choose to do it, and the research that demonstrates the positive impact it has on our kids. As a parent of two young adults, I know how hard it is to relinquish control – what they do, who they hang out with, and the decisions they make. We are parenting from a place of concern and safety but in the end, controlling our kids does not support their autonomy. My conversation with Emily provides so much insight and actionable advice to help our kids live the life they want to live.
About Dr. Emily Edlynn
Dr. Emily Edlynn (she/her) is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in pediatric health psychology who works in private practice with children, teens, and adults. She has a BA in English from Smith College, a PhD in clinical psychology from Loyola University Chicago, and completed postgraduate training at Stanford and Children’s Hospital Orange County. Emily spent almost ten years working in children’s hospitals before pivoting to private practice, which allowed her to start a writing career. Emily has written her blog, The Art and Science of Mom, since 2017 and a parenting advice column for Parents.com since 2019. Emily’s writing has also appeared in the Washington Post, Scary Mommy, Good Housekeeping, Motherly, Psychology Today, and more. She recently added podcaster to her bio as a co-host for the popular Psychologists Off the Clock podcast. Her first book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent Confident Children came out last year. She also writes about modern parenting in her Substack newsletter. Emily lives with her husband, three children, and two rescue dogs in Oak Park, IL where she can see Chicago’s skyline from her attic window.
Episode Highlights
- Emily’s journey through high school and college
- What is autonomy-supportive parenting?
- Agency is the confidence in your own skills so you can live the life you want to live
- The research consistently shows that children from autonomy-supportive environments are doing better across the board
- Controlling our children is not supporting their autonomy
- Fear-based vs strength-based parenting
- Actual threats vs. perceived threats
- Our children absorb our feelings of fear and anxiety
- Strength-based parenting flips our thinking toward finding an opportunity rather than where the threat is
- 10 tools to help parents be more autonomy-supportive
- Expecting independent behaviors and expressing trust
- Flexibility – the f-word of parenting
- Collaborating with your child around problem-solving
- We transmit our values to our kids through parenting
- Psychological control is very damaging
- Behavioral control can be healthy (support) or unhealthy (pressure)
- The Golden Ticket: Internal Motivation
- Autonomy-supportive strategies boost internal motivation
- Getting a professional involved can be helpful in motivation
- External motivators are less effective – and grades are external motivators
- Internal motivation is the process (love of learning) rather than the outcome (grades)
- Letting kids fail first
- Our jumping in delays their skill development
- Raising a child with a strong sense of self-school doesn’t define their worth
- Kids with autonomy-supportive parents do better in school and have better attitudes about school
- Finding meaning is a huge part of adolescent development
- Young adults are struggling to figure out what they want because they don’t know who they are in the world
- Religious and volunteering activities can be helpful in developing a sense of purpose
Links and Resources
Substack newsletter – The Art and Science of Mom
Podcast – Psychologists Off the Clock
Autonomy Supportive Parenting, Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children by Dr. Emily Edlynn
“Free Range Kids” by Lenore Skenazy